A CARNIVORES MONTH OF VEGANISM

To me, the term 'veganism' conjures images of the frail and pale getting excited over a plate of leaves. I was certain I'd be dead after a month if I subjected myself to such stupidity.

If for some reason you fancy the challenge, maybe you've gorged yourself over the festive period and need a good starve. Failing that, perhaps you, like most, feel the wrath of Christian guilt for forty days. In the top trumps of lent, this 100% beats attempts to 'eat less chocolate' or 'drink less'. The only true reason of course, is that you are a self confessed indie prick and this is a whole new way of expressing it. Whatever the reason, you'll probably need some pointers. I'm not sure if you've ever happened across any vegan forums, but if you haven't, I'd suggest you'd leave them out of it. Those who comment, appear to live their life in constant fear of meat interception. There's enough stigma attached to vegans, without these bellends telling you not to trust your own mother. 

Fear not, hopefully this is just a phase and it'll all be over soon. Until then you do have some treats to look forward to. That's right, it's not all plastic bacon and lentils. If you look further than the miasma of replacement food that Holland and Barret have to offer, (never ever try a vegan pizza), you can actually find some tasty stuff. I wouldn't recommend hummus on more hummus as a long term diet, but it sure works for giving you that light headed feeling all diet enthusiasts long for.

Blue Moon Cafe in Sheffield granted some relief; to be greeted with the words, 'It's all vegan!' felt like divine intervention. Of course at this point I'd have wept at the sight of chicken, but the cafe did a bloody good job at taking my mind off it. It felt as though we'd found refuge from disapproving carnivorous eyes. I could tell these people had been shunned from dinner tables far and wide. A sense of acceptance enveloped the miniscule and pretentious. Of course this sanctuary doesn't last long, so I'd suggest you relieve yourself of all your new found self importance here before venturing out into the real world. If you can avoid either telling people of your new mission, or at least revealing it's a life choice, you might be able to surpass too much abuse. No-one wants to hear how you've bettered yourself, or how many lambs you've been saving. I know it's difficult to keep going without some self congratulation, but this is why these cafe's exist. Sitting in an almost visible mist of smugness for a few hours a day really does become a fuel.

Another pointer, is to make sure you don't smoke yourself into an early grave. It's a wonderful little appetite reducer and if you're eating like a small mammal, you can see the appeal. A terrible habit to pick up in this season, unless you want to sound like someone's terrible aunty.

My final warning, is one to be heeded upon finishing your venture. Never return to the world of dairy and meat on a hangover. You'll be very ill and be potentially trap yourself in an unwilling diet for the sake of fear. Not that it is to be knocked on every level. You have to try these things before you trash them. You never know, you might suit being blown over in a strong breeze.

The principle of contempt prior to investigation cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - Herbert Spencer

Sophie